Letter to my brother

Dear Brother,

  Where do I even begin. From the time I  knew you were coming I was so excited! I was 7 when I got the news from mom and Dad and all I can remember saying was "Please give me a brother." Then you were born and I was the happiest kid on earth. It was like mom and dad brought me home a living, breathing, real life baby doll. You were so tiny and cute. I would get up early for school to get you from your crib, change and feed you. Id run home off the bus to do the same and god help mom if she fed you your 4pm feeding before I was home to do it lol As you started to grow so did our relationship. I remember breaking my foot. I was about 14 and you would have been 6. A friend called the house to ask you to come out and play your response "I cant, my sister hurt her foot and I have to take care of her" No one asked you too...but for you this was a part of being a brother. You then proceeded to make me "lunch" Peanut butter, marshmallow fluff and rainbow sprinkles on white bread...YUMMY (not really) You stood before me waiting for me to eat this sandwich you were so very proud of, I had no other choice...I was going to have to eat it. So there I went chewing each sugary, sticky bite as you with your big blue eyes watched with such pride. It was gross, but to this day I cant look at marshmallow fluff or sprinkles without cracking a smile.

Time went by and so did the years. Me being 8 years older moved out when you were only 11. Those years for me were what I call my "rough years." I did a lot of things I'm not proud of but you never gave up on me. Through good or bad I was your big sister and you would go on to love and support me overlooking the things others were holding against me and for good reason; I was out of control but it still felt good that in your eyes I was this amazing person who you looked up to. By 23 I was able to pull it together and be that person in your eyes I always was. You graduated from High school and I cried even before mom and dad did. I was so happy and proud. Then the day I dreaded came...COLLEGE! I remember the last day we spent together before you left for North Carolina. We went to lunch, did some shopping then hung in a parking lot for almost 2 hours just talking. When Dad pulled up to meet us and take you home to get ready to leave the next day I remember hugging you so tight. In my eyes you were my baby, this little perfect person that I wasn't ready to let go of just yet; the truth is If I had it my way Id have frozen time and kept you little forever. If you were little I could keep you safe, watch over and protect you. Unfortunately time doesn't work that way and I had to let you go. I cried the entire drive home, the rest of the weekend and probably almost everyday for the first 3 weeks you were gone. I know dramatic; but one thing you know about me is I feel things deeply and this was something I wasn't prepared for or ready to feel. As the time passed and I saw how much you loved college, the great friends you had made and that you were really ok off on your own it got a bit easier. I was happy for you and the unknown wasn't unknown anymore. You had been gone for months and you were just fine, alive and happy. Flash forward 4 years...COLLEGE GRADUATION. I cant tell you how proud I was that day. You accomplished something amazing. Again as I sat there watching the opening processions, the pomp and circumstance I cried (yes a theme I know) how is this happening? How was that little blue eyed baby boy who was making me eat Peanut butter, marshmallow fluff and rainbow sprinkles on white bread now getting ready to walk across a stage to get a college diploma? Where did all the time go? You take your walk, get your diploma and I scream, cheer and yell. At that moment my heart was full. I felt like I had accomplished something. I guess in a way I did...they say when you truly love someone their pain is your pain, their sorrow your sorrow and their joy your joy. That was it! I was experiencing this overwhelming surge of pure happiness not because I did something but because you were so happy and proud.

The next day was what I call "for shits sake day" because whenever you would come to visit then leave Id cry and through my tears Id yell "for shits sake, am I going to cry every effff'n time he leaves for the rest of his life!" You were off to start your new life as a grown up man in a grown up world in Colorado. We said our goodbyes and I drove off. Id say I cried the whole way home but you know that...its what I do, don't you see a running theme?

Its been almost 11 months since you left. I cant say I miss you any less but I can say its a bit easier. I know how happy you are, I know you love your job, have an amazing girlfriend, good friends and you're safe. I think I was more scared that somehow you moving would break that strong bond we have always had. I was scared of losing my "baby brother." What I needed to realize was I wasn't losing you, you just weren't a baby anymore. Our relationship was changing and growing. I didn't need to "take care" of you and when you wanted my help you'd ask. I guess seeing you as a grown man was hard for me. I was so used to watching out for you I didn't see that for 4 years you had already been taking care and watching out for yourself. I don't think a time will ever come where I don't sit there sometimes and look at you thinking "where has all the time gone" but I must admit; this new phase of siblingness (I made that up) we are in is just as special. I like that we can share things with one another, I love that if I or you have a bad day we can call one another and really get where the others coming from. I know that you will always have my back and me yours. If anything I look at the man you have become and feel proud that man is my brother and one of my VERY best freinds; and NO ONE can ever take that from me.

I LOVE U LOTS