Thursday, March 31, 2011
You to put it simply you amaze me day in and day out. You are the love of my life. One of my best friends. My protector, care taker and lover. I have never doubted your love for me. From the moment we met we clicked. I wasn't looking for a relationship; I just ended a bad one 5 months before. I didn't want to fall in love. I wanted a good time, some care free fun yet something about you kept drawing me in. We took it slow for all of 7 weeks then just kinda dove in head first; moving in together and living like a couple that had dated for much longer then a few weeks. My friends loved you and for the first time in "boyfriend history" my parents liked you and over time grew to love and adore you. I'm sure that has to do with the fact you treated their daughter like a princess; like the most important person in the world. When we are together you make me feel like I am the only girl you can see in the room. The way you look at me, smile at me and dote over me is something most women only dream about or see in a sappy Lifetime movie. You know when I need you to give me advice, when I need you to just listen or when I need that little extra push. You believe in me and my abilities wholeheartedly and when I feel like I cant push on you carry me through yet act as if the achievement was all my own. I love that on Sundays you wake up and say "time for me to start the laundry" taking that task I truly hate off my plate. You have always believed in me. I'm excited to have babies with you and raise a family. Thank you for telling me what an amazing mom Ill be and no matter what happens in life you don't worry because you have me and that's all that matters. Thank you for showing me that even though marriages are hard work they are very much worth it. Most importantly thank you for asking me to be your wife. I feel blessed every single morning. Although we aren't perfect we are perfect for each other. With you I know we will get through anything and be stronger in the end. You are my rock, the piece of my heart I never even knew was missing, you are my real life fairytale.
Friday, March 25, 2011
I feel like so many times people blog things when their upset, pissed or venting...I want to blog today about how good it feels to be me. Yes I have problems and issues like everyone else but all in all I live a pretty great life filled with really great people. I wake up in the morning to an amazing husband, in a nice home we own (or should I say will own when the rest of our $230k mortgage is paid off in 28 years lol) and 2 of the cutest, sweetest pups anyone could have. I have 2 healthy legs to get me around, arms I can use, a functioning brain and like always an open heart. I believe one needs to start each day with a clear mind and an open heart. I used to dread getting up in the morning, having to do hair, makeup, dressed for work and all the little things I need to take care of before I can get out of the house and on my way to the office. Then I read a book called “A new Earth” by Eckhart Tolle and it changed my views on life, how I was living, and the power your mind can have over virtually every decision you make and your reactions to them. Let me share a few of my favorite Quotes from the book…
- · "You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness."
- · "How do you let go of attachment to things? Don't even try. It's impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them"
- · "Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at that moment. It is part of the "isness" of the Now. You can't argue with what is. Well, you can, but if you do, you suffer."
- · "Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment."
- · "If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace. The ego doesn’t like to hear this, because if it cannot be reactive and righteous anymore, it will lose strength."
After reading this book I knew at that moment I wasn’t living in the “now.” I was living in the what has happened and what may happen. I just needed to be present in the moment. Whether it was good or bad just be in THAT moment. Let me tell you; After making that conscious decision my life has been much more peaceful and enjoyable. If it’s a “bad” moment I take time to think about it. I go through the pros and cons. I try to decide what good may come from it and then focus on bringing that positive outcome to fruition. If I’m in a “good” or “happy” moment I stay in that moment and enjoy it. I don’t waste time wishing it wouldn’t end, or when we can do it again, or hoping I could be “that happy” all the time because that’s not possible. You can’t fully live life if you don’t experience good with bad, pain with Joy, and sadness with happiness. Living fully means to feel and acknowledge every single solitary moment and know in the end you will learn something from it, be a better person and once you experience something you will know what to expect when it happens again…if it happens again.
I continue to move through my days feeling and experiencing. I laugh, cry, scream and sometimes pout but no matter what I let myself have those feelings yet don’t allow myself to wallow in it or play the “why me?” game. WHY YOU?? Because god, Buddha or whatever higher power you believe in chose for you to experience that feeling at that exact time for a purpose. Like the saying goes “If god brings you to it, God will pull you through it.” So I say embrace life, embrace the fact you have emotions and reactions as that means you feel things deeply. Thank God every day you have the power to decide how you will react to things as some people have no choices in life. Be thankful you have the ability to change things in your life you aren’t happy or content with as others may not have the same power within them. Most importantly love each moment good or bad. You don’t have to like it but know it’s going to bring you to where you are destined to be and if you’re coming from a place of thankfulness and acceptance you will find true peace within yourself and in your life.
Monday, March 21, 2011
I read a story about a mother who's suing a New York City preschool for$19,000, the amount she paid for 1 years tuition. The reason for the suit is because the school jeopardized her 4-year-old daughter Lucia's chances of getting into an elite private school (by not preparing her for the admissions exam you have to take to get into top notch/top dollar elementary schools in the city) and, therefore – wait for it, wait for it – ruined her chances of being a future Ivy Leaguer. The kicker...the child attended the school for only 3 weeks!
Monday, March 7, 2011
I used to find myself wondering how some people turn their emotions on and off. How they could protect themselves from feeling pain or sadness with what seemed like the click of a switch. I admired people like that. I mean wouldn't we all if we could "turn off" the pain, or tell ourselves we aren't going to cry and like that BAM! You don't. I'm the type of person who feels things deeply. I love hard, fight hard, cry hard and laugh hard. Whatever I'm feeling I feel it whole heartily. This brings me to my weekend. If your my close friend you know the pain I have felt over the years in regards to my Father. For those of you who don't I'm not going into a lot of detail but basically my parents separated at when I was 2 and by the time I was 5 my father was remarried to my my step mom; and by 6 my mom had remarried to the man I call my Dad. By 7 my father and step mom had a baby and by 8 my mom and dad had my brother (I know its confusing lol) and right before 3rd grade my father moved 4hrs away. After the move I would see my Father a few times a year and stayed with him for 3 wks in the summer. When I was younger this was fine by me. It was the life I was used to. Its how I grew up so to me this was just normal. As the years went on and I got older I felt my father and I slipping apart. Id go to visit and it just never felt "normal" or completely comfortable. We never had a lot to say to each other and I always felt as if making conversation with me for him...well it was just a huge effort. I still went to visit and each time hoped for a different outcome. Hoped we'd bond more, hoped he'd show more interest in my life, hoped he say I love you or I'm proud of you. I mean I was doing the right things in life. I was moving up work wise...becoming an adult; a woman. I was making money and saving it. I was really trying hard to become the woman I knew I was capable of becoming. Yet each time I never heard any of the things I wanted to or expected to hear and each time Id leave upset, sad and broken. My husband would comfort me and say things like "Your dad loves you and hes proud of you. I can see it in his face." I knew he was just trying to stop me from either crying or just being all around shitty for the next 4hrs in the car.
2 years ago in Sept was the last straw. We met at the beach for a few days as we did most years and I wont give details but lets just say it was the worst trip of my life! It lasted 24hrs and when I left I was hysterical. I didn't know what to do so my husband drove me the 2.5hrs home as I cried and yelled non stop till I got home and passed out from shear emotional exhaustion. I called my mom and dad (the ones who raised me) and my mom said something that has stuck with me to this day "You are an adult. You make your own choices. We cant control how others treat us but we can control who we let in our lives. If its not making you happy, if its not healthy STOP DOING IT!" WAIT! could this be right? Could this all be "my fault" I keep putting myself in the same situations that's hurting me and expecting a different outcome...yeah that's the definition of Insanity. Clearly that's it...I was in fact Insane! So that was that. I wasn't going to visit, I wasn't calling, I wasn't emailing, I was going to remove myself from the pain and "turn it off." (or so I thought)
2 years passed and I stuck to it. There was birthday cards, Christmas cards, some gifts and a few "Happy blah blah blah" texts but that's about it.
Flash forward to this past weekend. I get invited to a baby shower. My sister and step mom where there as well. I wont lie it was pretty awkward at first. I mean we hadn't really spoken in almost 2 years. My sister comes over and hugs me and I hug her back. It felt good. It was different. She was different. We also have had a long not so great past. She looked good, acted mature and was purely kind and genuine. It was like I had the sister I always wanted. We get to talking and she says "Dad wanted to invite you and your husband to dinner if you can go" OH SHIT! I thought. Honestly I wasn't prepared for this invite. I hadn't planned anything clever or witty to say. All I could think was say no...don't go...don't do it...for 2 years you've removed yourself; just Be happy you and your sister are getting along...DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK! However that's not what I said. What came out of my mouth was "sure let me call my husband but that would be nice" DAMN YOU MOUTH! that's not what was supposed to come out of you! So lets flash forward to the car ride to dinner. I cant say I wasn't a bit nervous but if anything Id get to see my 2 1/2 year old nephew I missed so much and my sister and I were getting along great so if all else fails I thought...sit next to her and you and she can chat. I see my Father. My husband shakes his hand and I give him a kiss. We chat here and there but you could tell it was weird for him too. I mean what does one say after you leave their place hysterical, bitch them out via email and don't talk for 2 years. I couldn't ask for much more but he did throw out the olive branch and ask us to dinner; the least I could do is just make an effort right. We eat...the food was good and everyone was talking and laughing. I head off to the bathroom with my sister to pee and chat as girls often do. the conversation goes as follows
SISTER: "you know Dad reads your blog?"
ME: "ummmm no I didn't know that"
SISTER: "yeah hes the one who told me about it and to read it"
ME: "I didn't think he'd have any interest in it"
SISTER: "I know you don't feel this way but he REALLY does love you. He talks about you all the time"
ME: "I wouldn't know. He never calls me"
SISTER: "like you said in your email to me a few weeks ago, you grew up completely different. Dad isn't an emotional guy. He doesn't share his feelings but you need to know he really really loves you and misses you"
We leave the bathroom; that 2 minuet talk made a light go off in my head. When I was growing up my household was very different than my sisters. The dad I grew up with was emotional. Not emotional like cried all the time and was wimpy...emotional in a good way. I had seen him cry before (something Ive NEVER in 31 years seen my father do) we were a house filled with constant I love yous, great job, were so proud of you etc...if my brother or I got into trouble Dad would sit us down and discuss it. What we did, why we did it, how it made him and mom feel to the point where sometimes you wanted to say...PLEASE just yell at us! Somehow this "talking" it out was way worse as he had a way of making us feel like we disappointed them (only when we had of course). Something you never want to do to your parents. I grew up in a home filled with emotions. This is how I was accustomed to living and I just assumed that was the basic "mold" of all parents. The ones who weren't like that were labeled in my head as cold and detached. What I didn't realize is my father was doing the best he knew how to do. He wasn't being a "bad" father, he just wasn't the type of "dad" I was used to. I expected my time with him to be like the time I spent with my mom and dad I grew up with. I now see that wasn't 100% fair to him and more so to me. I was setting myself up for disappointment each time we were together and focusing on what I believed he should be doing and how he should be treating me instead of just accepting what was and enjoying that time.
When my husband and I went to leave dinner my father hugged me...tighter then he's ever hugged me before. He whispered in my ear "I love you a lot" I don't think he even knew how much I needed that and how I wished I could bottle up that moment to save...forever. I hopped into the car and started to talk to my husband. We chatted about how dinner went, how everyone seemed different (in a good way) and how we hoped to have more times like this in the future. Out of no where I begin to cry. It wasn't until then I realized I was one of "those people." The people who could turn emotions on and off. I turned them off because it just hurt to much. I didn't want to feel the pain of rejection, sadness, longing to have a father who was all those things I wanted him to be for so long and feel for me the way I felt for him. I went on talking through my tears. Describing how it felt good to feel...I mean truly feel my father had missed me and loved me. To have my sister back in my life the way Id always hoped it to be.
I think as Ive grown older Ive started to realize people are a product of their environment. Not always...there are exceptions but for the most part our upbringings and the people in our lives mold and shape us into who we become as adults. My father isn't a bad person, hes not mean or hateful. He is who he is and with that on my part comes acceptance and forgiveness. I love my father, I no longer have doubts he loves me and is proud of me...I just had to accept that means letting him do and show it in his own way.