I used to find myself wondering how some people turn their emotions on and off. How they could protect themselves from feeling pain or sadness with what seemed like the click of a switch. I admired people like that. I mean wouldn't we all if we could "turn off" the pain, or tell ourselves we aren't going to cry and like that BAM! You don't. I'm the type of person who feels things deeply. I love hard, fight hard, cry hard and laugh hard. Whatever I'm feeling I feel it whole heartily. This brings me to my weekend. If your my close friend you know the pain I have felt over the years in regards to my Father. For those of you who don't I'm not going into a lot of detail but basically my parents separated at when I was 2 and by the time I was 5 my father was remarried to my my step mom; and by 6 my mom had remarried to the man I call my Dad. By 7 my father and step mom had a baby and by 8 my mom and dad had my brother (I know its confusing lol) and right before 3rd grade my father moved 4hrs away. After the move I would see my Father a few times a year and stayed with him for 3 wks in the summer. When I was younger this was fine by me. It was the life I was used to. Its how I grew up so to me this was just normal. As the years went on and I got older I felt my father and I slipping apart. Id go to visit and it just never felt "normal" or completely comfortable. We never had a lot to say to each other and I always felt as if making conversation with me for him...well it was just a huge effort. I still went to visit and each time hoped for a different outcome. Hoped we'd bond more, hoped he'd show more interest in my life, hoped he say I love you or I'm proud of you. I mean I was doing the right things in life. I was moving up work wise...becoming an adult; a woman. I was making money and saving it. I was really trying hard to become the woman I knew I was capable of becoming. Yet each time I never heard any of the things I wanted to or expected to hear and each time Id leave upset, sad and broken. My husband would comfort me and say things like "Your dad loves you and hes proud of you. I can see it in his face." I knew he was just trying to stop me from either crying or just being all around shitty for the next 4hrs in the car.
2 years ago in Sept was the last straw. We met at the beach for a few days as we did most years and I wont give details but lets just say it was the worst trip of my life! It lasted 24hrs and when I left I was hysterical. I didn't know what to do so my husband drove me the 2.5hrs home as I cried and yelled non stop till I got home and passed out from shear emotional exhaustion. I called my mom and dad (the ones who raised me) and my mom said something that has stuck with me to this day "You are an adult. You make your own choices. We cant control how others treat us but we can control who we let in our lives. If its not making you happy, if its not healthy STOP DOING IT!" WAIT! could this be right? Could this all be "my fault" I keep putting myself in the same situations that's hurting me and expecting a different outcome...yeah that's the definition of Insanity. Clearly that's it...I was in fact Insane! So that was that. I wasn't going to visit, I wasn't calling, I wasn't emailing, I was going to remove myself from the pain and "turn it off." (or so I thought)
2 years passed and I stuck to it. There was birthday cards, Christmas cards, some gifts and a few "Happy blah blah blah" texts but that's about it.
Flash forward to this past weekend. I get invited to a baby shower. My sister and step mom where there as well. I wont lie it was pretty awkward at first. I mean we hadn't really spoken in almost 2 years. My sister comes over and hugs me and I hug her back. It felt good. It was different. She was different. We also have had a long not so great past. She looked good, acted mature and was purely kind and genuine. It was like I had the sister I always wanted. We get to talking and she says "Dad wanted to invite you and your husband to dinner if you can go" OH SHIT! I thought. Honestly I wasn't prepared for this invite. I hadn't planned anything clever or witty to say. All I could think was say no...don't go...don't do it...for 2 years you've removed yourself; just Be happy you and your sister are getting along...DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK! However that's not what I said. What came out of my mouth was "sure let me call my husband but that would be nice" DAMN YOU MOUTH! that's not what was supposed to come out of you! So lets flash forward to the car ride to dinner. I cant say I wasn't a bit nervous but if anything Id get to see my 2 1/2 year old nephew I missed so much and my sister and I were getting along great so if all else fails I thought...sit next to her and you and she can chat. I see my Father. My husband shakes his hand and I give him a kiss. We chat here and there but you could tell it was weird for him too. I mean what does one say after you leave their place hysterical, bitch them out via email and don't talk for 2 years. I couldn't ask for much more but he did throw out the olive branch and ask us to dinner; the least I could do is just make an effort right. We eat...the food was good and everyone was talking and laughing. I head off to the bathroom with my sister to pee and chat as girls often do. the conversation goes as follows
SISTER: "you know Dad reads your blog?"
ME: "ummmm no I didn't know that"
SISTER: "yeah hes the one who told me about it and to read it"
ME: "I didn't think he'd have any interest in it"
SISTER: "I know you don't feel this way but he REALLY does love you. He talks about you all the time"
ME: "I wouldn't know. He never calls me"
SISTER: "like you said in your email to me a few weeks ago, you grew up completely different. Dad isn't an emotional guy. He doesn't share his feelings but you need to know he really really loves you and misses you"
We leave the bathroom; that 2 minuet talk made a light go off in my head. When I was growing up my household was very different than my sisters. The dad I grew up with was emotional. Not emotional like cried all the time and was wimpy...emotional in a good way. I had seen him cry before (something Ive NEVER in 31 years seen my father do) we were a house filled with constant I love yous, great job, were so proud of you etc...if my brother or I got into trouble Dad would sit us down and discuss it. What we did, why we did it, how it made him and mom feel to the point where sometimes you wanted to say...PLEASE just yell at us! Somehow this "talking" it out was way worse as he had a way of making us feel like we disappointed them (only when we had of course). Something you never want to do to your parents. I grew up in a home filled with emotions. This is how I was accustomed to living and I just assumed that was the basic "mold" of all parents. The ones who weren't like that were labeled in my head as cold and detached. What I didn't realize is my father was doing the best he knew how to do. He wasn't being a "bad" father, he just wasn't the type of "dad" I was used to. I expected my time with him to be like the time I spent with my mom and dad I grew up with. I now see that wasn't 100% fair to him and more so to me. I was setting myself up for disappointment each time we were together and focusing on what I believed he should be doing and how he should be treating me instead of just accepting what was and enjoying that time.
When my husband and I went to leave dinner my father hugged me...tighter then he's ever hugged me before. He whispered in my ear "I love you a lot" I don't think he even knew how much I needed that and how I wished I could bottle up that moment to save...forever. I hopped into the car and started to talk to my husband. We chatted about how dinner went, how everyone seemed different (in a good way) and how we hoped to have more times like this in the future. Out of no where I begin to cry. It wasn't until then I realized I was one of "those people." The people who could turn emotions on and off. I turned them off because it just hurt to much. I didn't want to feel the pain of rejection, sadness, longing to have a father who was all those things I wanted him to be for so long and feel for me the way I felt for him. I went on talking through my tears. Describing how it felt good to feel...I mean truly feel my father had missed me and loved me. To have my sister back in my life the way Id always hoped it to be.
I think as Ive grown older Ive started to realize people are a product of their environment. Not always...there are exceptions but for the most part our upbringings and the people in our lives mold and shape us into who we become as adults. My father isn't a bad person, hes not mean or hateful. He is who he is and with that on my part comes acceptance and forgiveness. I love my father, I no longer have doubts he loves me and is proud of me...I just had to accept that means letting him do and show it in his own way.
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